I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
You Might Also Like
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.