I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
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*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
hmm conte-me mais
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s