When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
You Might Also Like
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
584.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.