a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
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I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
When I said I liked it rough.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”