The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
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Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
#merica
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.