My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
You Might Also Like
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
How dude HOW?!
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.