I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
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[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
How all things should be taught/explained.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!