[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
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I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?