Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
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ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]