My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
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Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead