I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
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Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
honestly, i need both:
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Natty or not?
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious