I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
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Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
The real reason evolution started..😂
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..