O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
You Might Also Like
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Mummies are just super modest zombies
*swipes right on my hand mirror
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.