People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
You Might Also Like
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…