If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
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Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
me hitting on a model
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
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