If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
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The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Crying is a sign of leakness.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
put ‘er there pardner!
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head