I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
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I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.