why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
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*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.