when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
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Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.