[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
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My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.