“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
You Might Also Like
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Google Pay be like:
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.