Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
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Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Best spoiler warning ever
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.