Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
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Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
79.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference