DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
cyclists
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
HERE’S MARKY
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked