murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
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I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I don’t share cheese on the first date.