My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
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Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Doctors texting each other.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.