87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
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Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 馃
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I’d love this…lol
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in