List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
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For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)