Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
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8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
How is it still this week?
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.