God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
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The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I found your tweet-up…
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.