Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
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Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.