I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
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Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
That lamp looks PISSED.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.