My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
You Might Also Like
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.