[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
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I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…