*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
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Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please