If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
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Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig: