I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
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I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.