Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
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Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
do u think theres a butter planet?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.