Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
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saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
*goes to watch youtube vid*
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well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
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“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
The asteroid..
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I only treason on days ending in y
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.