Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
💯😂
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
fixed it
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.