if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
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[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Doctors texting each other.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
😍😂🥰😂😍
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
The Backseat Boys
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.