Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
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*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Happy Thanksgiving
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.