Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
#SaturdayBears
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.