My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
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[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side