Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
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2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
🙋♀️
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.