Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
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Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.