There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
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“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Thursday Thought.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”