Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
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Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse