Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
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My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
We need more people like this.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started