Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
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Never forget.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
my sentiments exactly
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?